Imam Ahmed ibn Hanbal’s advice to his son on his wedding day

From: Tafseer Raheemi

Imam Ahmed ibn Hanbal’s advice to his son on his wedding day:

Dear son, you will not attain good fortune in your home except by 10 characteristics which you show to your wife, so remember them and be enthusiastic in acting upon them.

As for the first two; women like attention and they like to be told clearly that they are loved. So don’t be stingy in expressing your love for your wife. If you become limited in expressing your love, you will create a barrier of harshness between you and her, and there will be a decrease in affection.

3. Ladies hate a strict, overcautious man, yet they seek to use the soft vulnerable one. So use each quality appropriately. This will be more appealing for love and it will bring you peace of mind.

4. Ladies like from their husbands what their husbands like from them, i.e. kind words, good looks, clean clothes and a pleasant odour. Therefore, always remain in that state.

5, Indeed, the house is under the sovereignty of the woman. While she remains therein, she feels that she is sitting upon her throne, and that she is the chief of the house . Stay clear of destroying this kingdom of hers and do not ever attempt to dethrone her, otherwise you will be trying to snatch her sovereignty. A king gets most angry at he who tries to strip him of his authority, even if he portrays to show something else.

6. A woman wants to love her husband, but at the same time she does not want to lose her family. So do not put yourself and her family in the same scale, because then her choice will be down to either you or her family. And even if she does choose you over her family, she will remain in anxiety, which will then turn into hatred towards you in your daily life.

7. Surely woman has been created from a curved rib, and this is the secret of her beauty, and the secret of the attraction towards her. And this is no defect in her, because ‘the eyebrows look beautiful due to them being curved’. So if she errs, do not rebuke her in a manner in which there is no gentleness, attempting to straighten her; otherwise you will simply break her and her breaking, is her divorce. At the same time do not let her off upon that mistake, otherwise her crookedness will increase and she will become arrogant with her ego. Thereafter, she will never soften for you and she won’t listen to you, so stay in between the two.

8. It is in the women’s nature to be ungrateful towards their husbands and to deny favours. If you were to be nice to her for her whole life but you grieved her once, she will say, “I have never seen any good from you”. So don’t let this attitude of her make you dislike her or to run away from her. If you dislike this feature of hers, you will be pleased with some other good habits within her, so create a balance.

9. Surely there are times when a woman goes through some conditions of bodily weakness and fatigue of the mind. Such that Allah has relieved her of some of her compulsory worships during that period; Allah has totally pardoned her from praying, and has postponed the days of fasting for her within this break to a later date until she regains her health and becomes normal in her temperament once more. Thus, during these days, treat her in a godly manner. Just as Allah has relieved her of the duties, you should also lessen your demands and instructions from her during those days.

10. Last but not least, know that a woman is like a captive with you. Therefore, have mercy upon her.

Translated by Hazrat Maulana Abdul Rahim
Edited by Abdus Subhan

How Do You Know It's Time To Get Married?

Many are of the opinion that a person should only really get married when his desire for intimacy increases; while this is correct, there are also other factors that a person should consider because not everybody has the same level of desire. Some people are highly amorous and thus need to get married quickly so as to protect themselves from falling into Haraam. On the contrary, there are some whom are quite mellow and their desires are well subdued. Such people can sometimes fall into deceit as they may feel that Nikkah is only for those who need to fulfil their needs. This is incorrect.

As a man, besides the obvious physical desire that is felt, there are other indications which also show that a male should get married. When you see that you are constantly missing meals, wearing un-ironed clothes, constantly feeling sick and missing out on a lot of sleep, know that you need the touch of a woman. When you have become completely injury prone and from every angle of your life there seems to be sloppiness and inaccuracy, you need a good wife to beat you into shape! Thereafter, your life will come back into perspective.

A person will no longer skip meals because he now knows he must eat his wife’s cooked food. Likewise, if she is a pious wife who wishes to sit and eat with her husband, he’ll feel that he needs to at least eat something so his wife can eat too. Likewise, if his appearance looks scrappy and ragged, when he is married, he will immediately change so that his wife is attracted to him. And if he still doesn’t care about his looks after marriage, his wife will make sure he wears clothes which are appropriate and represent able. 

A person constantly becomes ill because his lifestyle is not correct, it is hoped that by the guidance of a good wife, the husband can live a clean and healthy lifestyle. Men generally don’t take good care of themselves because they are always worried about something or the other. They also have a very rugged nature which as a result creates a lot of problems on the mind, body and soul. It is like a tank that goes through 100 walls, it keeps going and doesn’t care about the scratches it takes. However, the more damage it takes, the more weak it becomes. Similar is the case of a man, he feels like he is superman and tries to do everything but sooner or later, he gets burnt out. This is why he needs a wife, she will make sure he doesn’t over do it. When the husband sees anguish in the eyes of his wife, he begins to look after himself for her sake.

Quite simply, there’s more to getting married than just being able to fulfil one’s desires.

Royal Characteristics After Marriage

Due to the Royal Wedding which has occured, I felt it ideal to post something in relation to wedlock. Once a person is married, he will have to adapt his ways in order to get along with his partner. It is for this reason that I have translated a few chapters from Tuhfatuz Zawjayn by Hazrat Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanwi rahimahullah. He mentions some really nice and beautiful points. The last part is a brief account of Hazrat Maulana Thanwi's own behaviour inside his household.

Speaking to your wife and keeping her happy is also her right

Some people are such that they are referred to as respected elders or obedient followers of a respected elder. They are fully engiaged in prayer, fasting, zikr etc and it is as if they are purchasing their place in Jannah through their worship. However, these people are such that they remain ignorant of the rights of their wife.

Remember! It is also the right of your wife that you fix a time for her in which you can speak to her in order to listen to her problems and her joys. It is also her right that you have heart to heart with her so that she remains happy but it is unfortunate that many religious and less religious people remain ignorant with regards to this and thus do not fulfil this right of the spouse. These people are such that they think the only thing that they have to do is provide food and clothing for their wife!

Buying gifts for your wife without reason and feeding her with your hands

If a person purchases something for his wife without any reason to do so then that will not be considered to be extravagance. This is because making the heart of your wife happy is what is needed. However, there is also the condition that a person doesn’t incur a debt upon himself greater than he can satisfy.

And to feed the wife some food is also good, Allah Ta’ala places reward in this.

Hazrat Thanwi and his beautiful conduct with the women of his house

“It is not something which should be mentioned but out of necessity I will tell you as to how I run my household and how I take assistance from the people of my house.

Alhamdulillah, I am not suppressed and nor do I suppress anyone in my household and still, I live the life of a king. My habit is this that when I go home, I check if there is fresh chapatti; if it hasn’t been made, I eat the stale chapatti. Many a times I see that my wife is busy with something so I take the chapatti with my own hands and I take some water with me also. I then take a plate and poor curry into the plate and sit down to eat. If she is making chapatti, I ask her if she needs anything as sometimes, water is needed. If this is the case, I go to the sink or well and fill a bucket of water for her. Sometimes, if she is free, I ask her to bring me the food and that poor girl brings it for me (i.e. Hazrat Thanwi is showing his compassion for his wife that she assists him without making any complaint). It is important for a person to see whether she is busy or not as a person does not remain in the same state all the time.

I tend to get less sleep at night and so after observing my wife for a while, I get up and make thanks to Allah Ta’ala that at least He gave her sleep. Otherwise two sadness’s would be joined together (i.e. one sadness for me not being able to sleep and one sadness for her not being able to sleep).

Then when I am leaving my house, I ask her if there is anything she would like me to do for her. If she says that there is nothing for me to do, I go about my business and if she tells me that there is some work that needs taking care of, I do it. For example, if she wants me to write a letter, I will finish this job and then leave.

Nowadays, many people in our society say that having a wife means a life of friendship! O naive people! Do you even fulfil any rights of friendship or do you just use this term as a (flowery) word? It is only shown by your actions whether or not you have taken that poor girl to be your friend."

May Allah Ta'ala give us the ability to inculcate within ourselves beautiful characteristics which perfume the houses we live in and bring joy to the people we spend time with. May He give us the ability to cherish one another. Ameen, ya Rabbal 'Aalameen.

Hazrat Sheikh's rahimahullah advice on a simple marriage

The following is an extract taken from the autobiography (Aap Beti) of Hazrat Maulana Muhammad Zakariyya rahimahullah:

Nikkah is a form of worship but people have made it into a museebat (calamity). The Ulama say, “There are two worships which started with Nabi Adam alayhis salam and will remain till the day of Qiyamat; the first is Iman and the second is marriage. Rasulullah salallahu alayhi wa salam considred marriage as one of his sunnats and said, “Nikkah is of my sunnat, so whoever turns away from my sunnat is not from me.”

But what have we done? We have added so many nonsensical things to it and made it into a great burden and calamity upon ourselves! During the time of Rasulullah salallahu alayhi wa salam and the Sahabah radiallahu anhum after hi, it had the label of sunnat thoroughly attached to it. These nonsensical customary things which we had attached to it were not even thought of in those days.

The love which the Sahabah radiallahu anhum had for Rasulullah salallahu alyhi wa salam was such that nobody can deny it. A few examples of this have been quoted in the book ‘Stories of the Sahabah’.

Hazrat Abdur Rahman ibn Owf radiallahu anhu was a very well known sahabi, and is one of the ten who were promised entry into Jannah. He was a very faithful follower of Rasulullah salallahu alayhi wa salam but in spite of all that, not only did he not invite Rasulullah salallahu alayhi wa salam to his wedding but also did not even inform him thereof. When Rasulullah salallahu alyhi wa salam saw some yellow mark on his clothing which denoted a kind of scent used at weddings, he asked him, “What is this, O Abdur Rahman? Did you get married?” He replied that he had indeed married a girl from among the Ansaris.

Rasulullah salallahu alayhi wa salam also said, “That nikkah has more blessings in it, in which least expenditure is incurred.” It is a pity that we have through our customs made it the most difficult thing. No one knows how many salaahs are left unperformed because of it. Sometimes a greater museebat (calamity) is that the bride’s party is sent of just at a time when salaah is to be performed, as a result of which the bride, bridegroom and the whole party miss the salaah. When that is the beginning of the union, is it any wonder that the end of it is arguments, disputes and corruption?

Ulama have written that the child that is conceived out of conjugal relations at a time of salaah (which is not performed) will tend to be disobedient to parents and troublesome to them. May Allah guide us and set us aright!

A worse museebat is this that as a result of our customs, girls remain unmarried till late in life, the reason being that financial arrangements cannot be made. Even worse that this – often, money has to be borrowed on interest, about which the Qur’an has passed a verdict that it is tantamount to a declaration of war from Allah and His Rasul salallahu alayhi wa salam.

Who is there that can survive a battle against Allah and His Rasul salallahu alayhi wa salam? Often the excuse is brought that if all these things are not done, then our honour and dignity will be lost. I have seen many Elders have their marriages and the marriages of their loved ones performed according to the sunnat in utmost simplicity, without all this nonsensical rigmarole but without any dishonour at all!

A Wife's Certificate

Taken from: Ashrafiya

'Arif billah Dr. Abdul Hayy ‘Arifi (Allah have mercy on him) said;

“Brethren! If you want to get a certification and approval for your knowledge obtain it from a Darululoom (maderassa) but for the achievements in tareeqat (i.e. getting rid of blame worthy moral traits like anger, pride, show off etc. & acquisition of praiseworthy moral traits like sincerity, humility, patience, etc.) get it from your wife, because she really knows you (inside out).”

Malfoozat-e-Arifi page 216

Hazrat Thanwi's Love For His Wife & The Glitzy Achkan!

A strange incident with regards to Hazrat Thanwi
(This article has been translated from Islahi Khutbaat)

Hazrat Mufti Taqi Usmani Sahib (DB) mentions,

“I remember a very strange story which I heard from my respected father (Hazrat Mufti Muhammad Shafi rahimahullah). It is a story which gives a great lesson.

Hazrat Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanwi rahmatullahi alayh had two wives. One was elderly and one was young. Both had a great relationship with Hazrat. However the elderly wife was would always be thinking about how she could bring some rest to Hazrat.

Once, Eid was approaching and she really desired from her heart to make a Achkan (a long jacket type of thing click for image). There was a special type of cloth that would be used in that time for this and its name was “ankh kaa nasha” (the intoxication of the eyes). It was a very bright type of cloth also.

She began to sew Hazrat wala a Achkan without asking him prior to making it. She entertained the thought of seeing Hazrat’s happiness and thus did not tell him about it in order to surprise him. She spent the entirety of Ramadhan making this garment for Hazrat; this was because they did not have machines in those days so clothing had to be sewn and stitched by hand.

Thus she finished making the garment and she gifted it to Hazrat on the night before Eid. She said to him, “I have made this Achkan for you... my heart wishes that you wear this to the Eidgah and lead the prayer in it (the prayer would consist of thousands of people).”

Now, Hazrat’s persona was something else and this dazzling Achkan was something else (i.e. Hazrat was a very simple person and did not wear anything flamboyant). Hazrat’s persona was completely the opposite of this dazzling Achkan! However Hazrat mentions, “Had I refused to wear this garment, her heart would have been broken. She had spent the entire month of Ramadhan making this garment with so much effort and love.” Thereafter, just to make the heart of his wife happy, he said, “Masha Allah!!! You have made a beautiful Achkan!”

He then wore this Achkan to Eidgah and lead the prayer. When he finished the prayer, a person came to Hazrat and said, “Hazrat! You know this Achkan you are wearing, it does not give you any beauty because it is of a very dazzling nature.”

Hazrat replied, “Yes bhai! You are correct!” He then took this Achkan off and gave it to this man as a Eid gift and told him to wear it.

After this, Hazrat Thanwi related this whole incident to my father (Hazrat Mufti Muhammad Shafi rahimahullah) and he said, “Don’t ask me as to how much my heart was being torn apart inside as I was walking towards the Eidgah. This is because I have never in my entire life worn a dress as glitzy as this but in my heart I made the intention that ‘this Allah ki bandi (slave of Allah) has spent her entire month making this garment for me... let me make her heart happy. After wearing this, I even got joked about. People joked about me when they saw me and would say, ‘What has he come to this place wearing?!’ But I did all this just to make the heart of my wife happy.” [Islahi Khutbaat]

Allah hu Akbar! What is amazing here is the beautiful relationship Hazrat had with his wife. On one side there is a wife who loves her husband so much that she spent the entirety of Ramadhan making him a garment and on the other side, we have a man who loves his wife so much that despite him not liking the garment himself, he still put a front on to make his wife happy. How many of us can today say that 1) We would spend such time in thought of our beloved and 2) We would happily work towards keeping the hearts of our beloved happy despite being joked and jeered about?

May Allah Ta’ala give us strength and taufiq by which everything is then possible. May He out of His infinite love and mercy give us the ability to love in the correct manner. Ameen

The Importance of Counselling and Relevance of Istikharah

Whilst reading over various books in relation to Istikharah, I came across the following in 'Ashraf's Blessings of Marriage' and instantly thought it beneficial to put up on the blog:

The Importance of Counselling and Relevance of Istikharah

Allah Ta'ala says in the Glorious Qur'an,

"...And consult with them in affairs. Then when you have taken a decision, put your trust in Allah, certainly, Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him)." (3:159)

"And those who answer the Call of their Lord and perform Salah and who (conduct) their affairs by mutual consultation and who spend of what We have bestowed on them." (42:38)

Hazrat Jabir radiallahu anhu narrates,

"In the same way Rasulullah salallahu alayhi wa salam imparted upon us the Verses of the Glorious Qur'an, he also taught us to perform Istikharah in all affairs (of magnitude). He salallahu alayhi wa salam commented, 'Whenever and important matter arises, perform two rak'ats nafl salah and the dua'a (for Istikharah)..." (Riyadus Saliheen)

Whenever a Muslim decides to enact any important or significant matter, he/she should firstly seek the opinion of a person who is both a habeeb (true friend and well wisher) and labeeb (knowledgeable and wherever possible a pious Alim). This mashwarah (consultation, whether in person, by letter or phone) is extremely important, full of blessings and more beneficial than only prayin Salat Istikharah. Moreover, such pious counselling should not be dismissed out rightly if it goes against one's whim and fancy but should be reflected upon with an unbiased mind. It is upon such good advise that Istikharah should be performed.

Nowadays, many youngsters who are not even punctual with their five daily Fardh Salah, feel that by praying two rak'ats Salat Istikharah, an answer from the Heavens as to their predetermined and established choice of future spouse will be forthcoming. This is mere self-deception, a 'smoke screen' and the distorting of a Sunnah act of worship to soothe one's conscience. It is sometimes used as a convenient cover for not only dismissing the opinions of elders but also to give Deeni 'colour' to one's misbehaviour.

Shaykh Ashraf Ali Thanwi rahimahullah narrates, "Istikharah is beneficial for the person who maintains an open mind (in the matter being considered)...otherwise one's pre-concieved choice dominates the heart. This person now considers (after Istikharah) his thoughts and any dream to justify this previous choice. Remember, it is not at all necessary to perform Istikharah only at night... this has become almost customary...nor is it necessary to go to sleep immediately after. It may be prayed at any time (except the three makruh times), for example after Zohar Salah, perform two rak'ats Nafl and then pray Istikharah dua'a...though do remember, if before Istikharah one has a partiality then clear this thought or idea from the heart before sitting down and inclining towards one's heart. One may repeat this as many times in one day."