Infatuation in Islam (Part 2) - Curing the Problem

The topic of infatuation is a very strange matter. I have already highlighted the problem and the illness which branch out from this feeling (this article can be read by clicking here). Sometimes, the hardest obstacle to overcome is the mind. When the mind has conceded that the body has a problem, man has already lost half the battle. Janan Begum rahmatullahi alayha was a great poet, her husband died at quite a young age and she led the rest of her life as a widow. She never forgot her beloved and was always in his remembrance. About infatuation she once wrote,

“How can a lover conceal his infatuation from the eyes of people,
when both of his eyes are bleeding to disclose his secret love.”

When the mind has conceded that it has been taken over by the remembrance of the beloved, it is really hard to break this train of thought. It requires a person to dig deep inside of himself and strengthen his resolve. I have decided to counter the illnesses that I wrote towards the end of the last article; then wherever necessary, I will add whatever else needs to be mentioned inshallah.

Strengthening one’s resolve

For any difficult goal to be achieved, a person needs to have determination.

Rasulullah salallahu alayhi wa salam said, “Actions are by intentions, and for every man is what he intended.” A person will go as far as his intention; if his intention was one of huge determination, then he will continue to reach the goal despite facing various hardships along the way. On the contrary, if a person’s intention was weak, his determination and resolve will crumble at the first hardship faced in reaching his goal. As a result, he will be left unsuccessful and will continue to try finding new ways of attaining his intended target. The reality is, when battling diseases of the mind and heart, nothing is easy. There is no shortcut, there is no side road which a person can use during testing times, rather everything is done by clenching the fists and getting on with the job. They key principle is, “Never lose courage”. Always keep on going even if it feels a mountain trek in the beginning. Sooner or later, the tawajjuh (attention) of Allah Ta’ala falls upon His slave which results in mass progress. In our context, this means that a person should immediately slap himself (not literally) and leave the thoughts surround the desired one. During times of frustration, such strong feelings may come back but a person should not feel hopelessness, rather he should pick himself up and try again. The resolve should be such that a person feels inside of his heart, “Even if I die, I am going to get this khabees out of my mind and heart!” Such strong resolve is loved by Allah Ta’ala who in turn sees the mujjahadah (effort and struggle) of His slave. Consequently, Allah Ta’ala gives the slave the ability to fulfil his task.

Remedies to the illness mentioned in the previous article:

Constantly being self conscious – The remedy to this is to avoid trying to look good. One who is suffering from this ailment should wake up and roll out of his house without over elaborating his looks. This doesn’t mean he goes to college, university, work with a creased up khurta pyjama! Rather, he wears whatever he finds in his hand. He should not think to himself, “I am going to wear a dark colour because it makes me look mysterious!” The main objective here is not to make much of an effort, after continuously doing this he will not care whether he looks ugly or not as he has nobody to impress. Thus, by not impressing the beloved, he begins decrease in love and concentration for her.

Feeling of being unattractive if ignored – feeling unattractive can be from the Mercy of Allah Ta’ala especially in our day and age. Sometimes when people know that they are appealing to the other gender, they tend to go by the proverb, “If you’ve got it, then flaunt it!” and thus a person will wear his/her clothing in a manipulative way. When a person feels unattractive, it can prevent him into going into illicit relationships. His esteem is fragile with regards to interacting with the opposite sex and before he even begins to be flirtatious, he will remind himself, “Yaar..you are the ugly duckling, why would a girl of her calibre be interested in you?!” As a result, this mindset will overpower the want of doing haraam. When a person starts feeling unattractive due to being ignored, he should constantly remind himself, “This person is not my spouse and my beauty will only be for her. What difference does it make to me if this person doesn’t think I am attractive, it is not like I am going to spend the rest of my life with them.” Thus when a person doesn’t receive the attention he was hoping for, he should not feel lowly but should rather pass it off and feel that the only opinion worthy of his time is that of the one he will marry and remain with.

Depression – Depression often stems from loneliness and isolation. Depression feeds on the frailties of the mind and the weaknesses of the heart. As a result, a person finds solitude only in his sorrow. It is a vicious circle which revolves around anguish. It is important to spend as much time with good friends, going out and playing football and having a general laugh. If a person finds that he is constantly falling into sorrow and his eyes are burning with tears, he should do things which cheer him up even if it means forcing oneself. Sometimes, a person finds such happiness in his friends, our friends are always people we look to and smile with. It is important to be with them. Another way is to spend time in dua’a, speaking to Allah Ta’ala about your problems. Explain the contents of your heart by telling Allah Ta’ala the story from the beginning to the end. He hears and understands everything, even the whispers of the heart. Reading Qur’an and Islamic literature can also prove to be beneficial.

Sleepless nights – please read the article Goodnight, Sleep Tight.

Unstable thoughts – These thoughts are from Shaytaan. Rasulullah salallahu alayhi wa salam has given us the remedy for such thoughts. We must say Ta’wuz (A’uzu billahi min ash shaytaanir rajeem) and then change our thoughts. This can be done best by engaging in zikr. Let a person constantly say “Astagfirullah” (O Allah! Forgive me). One should also reflect on his selfishness which is being portrayed by his desire to cause unrest in the lives of others. More details can be read by viewing the following article: Origins of Evil Thoughts

Mood Swings - This is perhaps one of the hardest ailments to get rid off due to the unpredictable nature of a person. Imam Shafi’ rahimahullah would write, “The heart is only called the heart because of its rapid change.” Different things that happen in our life change us. Sometimes this is caused due to factors within our control (such as our own actions) and at other times these changes are caused by factors which are outside of our control (such as actions of others or environmental changes). As mentioned in the other post, sometimes the attention of the beloved can send one into ecstasy and likewise a cold look can send one into deep sorrow. The best way to avoid these mood swings is to avoid the beloved altogether. Some people are such that even though they are not in contact with their desired one, they will speak to those who are in an attempt to find out any news about their life. The best thing to do at this juncture is to ignore and leave everything connected to the person at hand. However, it is also important to try one’s best to leave those things which make a person angry, sad or frustrated. These feelings are such that they provoke the feelings of want and miss. A person then goes into a frenzy and due to missing and wanting the beloved, the mood swings occur. When a person feels he is going into a strop, then he must try his best to avoid the people who are dear to him, in such instances, a person can cause damage to the hearts of others and then regret it later. The bottom line here is, one needs to be patient and slowly over time, these mood swings will occur less. When one is frustrated and then begins to miss the beloved, it is important to busy the mind with something else...go play a nice golf game on Playstation.

Anger – Anger is such a thing which can emanate from mood swings. My respected ustaadh Hazrat Maulana Abdur Rahim Sahib once mentioned,

غصہ کا آنا برا نہيں – غصہ کو لانا اور غصہ نکالنا برا ہے
“The coming of anger is not a bad thing... bringing anger (by force) and then taking it out (on others) is bad”

He then continued, “Anger is sometimes good. Allah Ta’ala gave it to us so we can protect ourselves otherwise we wouldn’t care about what happened to us or our families. So as long as a person is late in getting angry and quick in returning to his normal state he is fine. Also, as long as his anger is not for personal and worldly matters then it and it is for deen, then he is fine too. Remember, “sorry” is the hardest word to say but we should not hesitate to say it when we realise our mistake.”

The advice to a person who is angry is mentioned in the hadith, he should recite Ta’wuz and then do wudhu to cool himself down. If he is standing up then he should sit down and if he is sitting down he should lie down. It is also useful to take deep breaths and blow the matter off. Sometimes, we get annoyed by little things but the main reason of our anger is our infatuation. Then when someone asks, “What is the matter?” we mention the little thing because we are too ashamed to say, “I am more infatuated then Majnoo was on Laila.” Just the way we consider it to be shameful and pitiful when asked about our anger, we should also consider this infatuation to be something lowly and not worthy of getting angry over when we are in a state of calmness. Let’s not blow things out of proportion, that’s one of the greatest crimes a person can do. Though this infatuation maybe something big in your life, nobody other than yourself really cares about it. By constantly remembering this, a person will be able to take a huge weight off of his shoulder and turn it into a feather.

Loss of appetite – Sometimes this can be a great ni’mat of Allah Ta’ala, especially when a person is a bit podgy and has a Krispy Kreme doughnut addiction. The main thing over here is not to starve oneself to the brink of exhaustion but to take healthy amounts of food. Rasulullah salallahu alayhi wa salam would eat moderately himself so this is not a bad thing. However, sometimes we hear stories of sisters who become anorexic due to this and refuse to eat. This is not right, Allah Ta’ala has given the body to insaan (mankind) as an amanat (trust). If our friends were to give us a fragile diamond necklace, we would take care of it and polish it every day so that it returns to its rightful owner in a good state. In the same way, we have to look after our body and condition it well so that when we give our body back to Allah Ta’ala, it is not in a bad condition. It being in a bad state reflect the ingratitude of a person. If a person is really struggling, then he/she should try to eat many khujoor (dates) and drink water in abundance too. Inshallah there will be great barkat in this.

Remedies to spiritual ailments:

Laziness in worship – In such a situation, a person has to force himself onto the prayer mat and pray. He has to constantly make the dua, “O Allah Ta’ala, whether I want to or not, pull me by my forehead onto the prayer mat. O Allah, whether I want to or not, pull me towards the Qur’an and make me read it. O Allah, whether I want to worship You or not, make Your worship compelling upon me.” It is also good to find some pious friends and build up a relationship with the mosque. The more a person goes to the mosque for prayers with congregation, the more he builds up an attachment to the house of Allah Ta’ala and the Qur’an itself mentions that such prayer stops a believer from indulging in immoral activities. If a person has a pious, best friend, it is important for him to trust his friend and explain his situation. By seeking his help, he will have someone to help him who is not blinded by love or by the constant natter of shaytaan with regards to the beloved. When a person is infatuated, his eyes are hazed but a person who is not infatuated will see a situation for what it really is; in effect he will be able to come to the right decisions and provide the right help inshallah.

Increase in disobedience – this is similar to laziness in worship however a person may embark on all sorts of immoral activities if this state comes over a person. It is important to force oneself into the company of the pious or the people of the household. Sometimes, a person only gets into bad things because the people around him are behaving in the manner of shayaateen. If a person can stay away from such people, it would be good for him. I once wrote a poem about this:

If a raindrop falls into the ocean, it is catergorised as part of the ocean,
When insaan falls into bad company, then insaan surely becomes known as bad company.
All the negative attributes that you gain thereafter, will cover you like a coat,
Duplicity, audacity and insolence is what your name will be known to connote.
So save yourselves from this complete and utter foppery,
For it is better to be alone than to have evil company.

Staying away from bad company means staying away from drugs, alcohol etc. Staying in good company means staying in the masjid.

Heavy heart – if a person finds that he has a heavy heart then he should make lots of zikr. Allah Ta’ala says in the Qur’an, “Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find peace.” It is easy to zikr, a person can say laa ilaha illallah and astagfirullah whilst walking. The greatest remembrance is the Qur’an. The more a person reads it, the more its nur (light) enters his heart and destroys the darkness which surrounds it. Also, a person should be punctual on his prayers and try to increase his nafli (extra) worship. Tahajjud is something that can draw a person closer to Allah Ta’ala. Once this closeness is found, a person should make dua from the bottom of his heart and cry profusely. If a person cannot cry, then he should make the face of a person who is crying and be in anguish. By enjoying a good old sob, the heart feels light and happy.

Change in personality – it is always important to read about the characteristics of Rasulullah salallahu alayhi wa salam. He is our role model and his nature was sublime. His conduct was impeccable and he has set for us a shining example. When a person’s characteristics become so foul, it is best to look towards the characteristics of Rasulullah salallahu alayhi wa salam. Purchase books such as Shamail Tirmizi which is available widely with commentary Khasail Nabawi or the Sublime Conduct of Nabi salallahu alayhi wa salam. A person should also look to get Bay’ah with a Sheikh who can then guide him on the path to perfection. For more information on this, please read the book “Path to Perfection” which has been compiled by Maulana Maseehullah Khan sahib rahimahullah.

Loss of trust in Allah Ta’ala – This is one of the greatest sins a person can do. When a person gets to such a state he should immediately seek repentance, do ta’wuz and slap himself (literally this time). It is important to wake up and smell the coffee. Just because a person does not get his desired object does not give him the right to lose trust in Allah Ta’ala. Allah Ta’ala mentions, “It could be that you like something which is bad for you and that you dislike something which is good for you but Allah knows best and you do not.” The reality is, Allah may have better things in store for us which are far greater and virtuous but what He needs from our side is patience and reliance upon Him. Allah Ta’ala is not out to hurt the believers, He is our Friend and Guardian. Never will there be such a day where Allah Ta’ala turns His Countenance away from us and leaves us in despair. This will only happen if we turn our backs on Allah Ta’ala. May Allah Ta’ala protect us from the fitnah of ourselves and never let us be in charge of our own selves for the blink of an eye. Ameen

The ailments are many and the remedies are many. The above is just a feeble attempt to help those whose hearts may be in peril. If there are others who know of methods and solutions that are far more beneficial, then it is my humble request to be shown towards a better advice.

May Allah Ta’ala guard the gates of our heart and fill our hearts only with the love of Allah Ta’ala, His Rasul salallahu alayhi wa salam and those who it is permissible for us to cherish. May He, out of His Benevolence and Kindness help all those who are mystified by this ailment. Ameen.